1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:05,073 "Cheers" is filmed before A live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:07,908 O.K., please, Everybody, listen up. 3 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,610 It's time once again 4 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,445 For the third annual Cheers picnic. 5 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,047 Now, I'm going To need volunteers 6 00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:14,448 For these Various committees. 7 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,751 First, food. Now Who will volunteer 8 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,320 To take care Of the grub? 9 00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:24,525 Well, what the heck? 10 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:28,329 I--I can do this one. Ernie pantuso. 11 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,332 I did a pretty good Job last year. 12 00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:34,335 At least no one complained. 13 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:38,206 This brings us to The entertainment committee. 14 00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:40,641 Who wants to chair This baby? 15 00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:47,948 Well...Entertainment Goes right along with food. 16 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,350 Ernie pantuso. 17 00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:52,353 We'll need two captains For the softball teams. 18 00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:56,390 Two. Uh...Come on. A show of hands, huh? 19 00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:02,496 Well, I can handle One team. 20 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,332 Ernie pantuso. 21 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:07,201 O.K., so... Who wants the other? 22 00:01:07,201 --> 00:01:09,437 One more. 23 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:15,209 Well, uh, I'm going to be Out there on the field anyway, 24 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:18,412 So...Ernie pantuso. 25 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,181 Oh, and last But not least, 26 00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:22,950 I need somebody to head up Transportation. 27 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,252 I got it. 28 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:26,387 Ernie pantuso. 29 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:29,056 Now, there'll be a meeting Of committee chairmen 30 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:33,060 At my house Tonight at 8:00. 31 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:36,397 Please, everybody, Try to be on time, huh? 32 00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:44,305 * makin' your way In the world today * 33 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:47,775 * takes everything You've got * 34 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,178 * takin' a break From all your worries * 35 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:52,380 * sure would help a lot * 36 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:56,717 * wouldn't you like To get away? * 37 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,355 * sometimes You wanna go * 38 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:05,159 * where everybody Knows your name * 39 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:10,298 * and they're always Glad you came * 40 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:14,134 * you wanna be Where you can see * 41 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,437 * our troubles Are all the same * 42 00:02:16,437 --> 00:02:21,509 * you wanna be where Everybody knows your name * 43 00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:24,312 * you wanna go Where people know * 44 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,914 * people are all the same * 45 00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:31,285 * you wanna go where Everybody knows your name * 46 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,710 Hey, everybody, Sorry I'm late. 47 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,811 Hi, sam. 48 00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,112 Where have you been? 49 00:02:59,112 --> 00:03:01,749 Well, I had To run a few errands. 50 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,885 Oh...Funny thing happened To me this afternoon. 51 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,054 I was on my way To boston magazine 52 00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:09,357 To be interviewed As one of the 20 most eligible Bachelors in the city 53 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,325 When I saw this man Walking a dog. 54 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:14,428 Now, the funny thing is The dog wasn't Walking like a dog. 55 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:18,232 He was walking Like a man up on his hind legs. 56 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,434 Where's a camera When you need one? 57 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:23,371 O.K., enough jokes. 58 00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,639 Back to work. 59 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:30,110 20 most Eligible bachelors? 60 00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,345 What's that? 61 00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:35,082 Boston magazine? 62 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:36,950 And you let them List you? 63 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:40,388 Well, if I hadn't, I would've missed That funny dog. 64 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:43,724 You'll dine out On that story there, sammy. 65 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,393 Yeah. 66 00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:46,527 Why do you want them 67 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,796 To list you as An eligible bachelor? 68 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,999 Isn't that for men who Are actively seeking Female companionship? 69 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:54,067 No. Not entirely. No, no. 70 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:58,406 It's just good publicity For the bar, that's all. 71 00:03:58,406 --> 00:03:59,807 Besides, It gave me a chance 72 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,676 To air some of my views On political issues. 73 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,183 What political issues Did you air views on? 74 00:04:10,183 --> 00:04:14,254 I told them I Thought nuclear war Would be bad news. 75 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:22,262 Oh, sam, you've stirred up A hornet's nest there. 76 00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:26,066 Really? Well, uh... 77 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,268 I can always say I was misquoted. 78 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,872 Oh, I see, when they say Eligible bachelors, 79 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,107 They mean eligible For a brain transplant. 80 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,576 I knew it! 81 00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:37,244 I knew you'd make A big deal out of this. 82 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:39,012 You make a big deal Out of everything. 83 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:43,050 Come on, all it was Was a little article On my life, my interests, 84 00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:44,452 And a simple picture of me. 85 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,787 It wasn't like It was cheesecake. 86 00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:50,591 No, sam. With men, It's beefcake. 87 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:54,528 If I posed, It would be Cheesecake. 88 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,730 If you posed, It would be crumb cake. 89 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:01,001 Sam... 90 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,336 I'm very hurt By this. 91 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,538 Oh, don't be. 92 00:05:04,538 --> 00:05:07,408 All right, I'll tell you Something right now that's Gonna make you feel better. 93 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,543 I wanted it To be a surprise, but... 94 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:11,545 When I was talking to that Lady reporter, I said, 95 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,481 "Yeah, I may be a bachelor, But it so happens 96 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:16,384 "I've already found The woman of my dreams, 97 00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:19,420 And her name is Diane chambers." 98 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,655 Really, sam? 99 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,493 That's very sweet. 100 00:05:25,493 --> 00:05:27,160 Call and check. 101 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,096 Her name's Helen costello. She's still there. 102 00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:31,264 I don't Have to call. 103 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,100 I believe you. 104 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,768 I trust you. 105 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:37,304 I think that was A wonderful Thing to do. 106 00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:39,039 Yeah. Me, too. 107 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:46,514 She bought that? 108 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:53,253 I'd like to sell her The old north church. 109 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,522 Good luck. 110 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:57,057 I owned that once. 111 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,431 It took me forever To unload it. 112 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:08,235 Boy, did I take A bath on that! 113 00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,303 Boy, I really did it This time. 114 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,505 What are you Worried about? 115 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:13,874 She already bought The story. 116 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,409 When the magazine Hits the stands, 117 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,044 Just tell her It's not your fault. 118 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,345 See, the reporter Didn't mention Your sweetie. 119 00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:19,980 Yeah, foolproof. 120 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:23,083 At best I'm just buying time. 121 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,853 She said she wouldn't call, But she'll call. 122 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,555 There was a time when She wouldn't have called, 123 00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:29,122 But now, she'll call. 124 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,260 You don't trust Diane very much. 125 00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,828 Coach, it's gotten To the point 126 00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:38,298 Where I can't Trust a thing That woman says. 127 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:39,600 I know What you mean. 128 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,168 Once the trust Goes out of a Relationship, 129 00:06:41,168 --> 00:06:44,104 It's really no fun Lying to them Anymore. 130 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:52,045 It's not my fault. 131 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:54,247 You know, she always Starts things-- 132 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,216 Telling me How to walk, 133 00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:57,250 How to act, 134 00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:58,452 How to think. 135 00:06:58,452 --> 00:06:59,853 Yeah. You've been Doing those things 136 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,623 Since you Were what--14? 137 00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:06,827 You know, It's gotten To the point 138 00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,929 Where I start Doing things I don't Even want to do, 139 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:12,132 But just knowing It'll tick her off, I got to do them. 140 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,334 The more I think It's gonna drive Her crazier, 141 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,069 The happier I get. 142 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,204 Is that weird? 143 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:20,207 No, no. We know the woman. 144 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:24,144 Sammy, I think it's time For a romantic gesture, 145 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,146 Like a little trinket To smooth the water. 146 00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,781 No, I've done All that stuff before. 147 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,949 I tell ya, It's gonna take a lot more 148 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,418 Than music And a candlelit dinner 149 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:34,221 To shut her up This time. 150 00:07:34,221 --> 00:07:35,923 Sam, listen... 151 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:38,959 I'm telling you, It's time for you To take a big step. 152 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:42,062 Now, I wouldn't Say this ordinarily To anyone 153 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:43,664 In a million years. 154 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,067 But you know What might help? 155 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:51,539 If you actually had Physical relations With her. 156 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:57,044 I--I don't Think so, coach. 157 00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,212 I think we're both Going to Wait 158 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,649 Until we're sure How we feel About each other. 159 00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,686 You're a good Old-fashioned guy, sam. 160 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,823 All right, You want to hear 161 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,993 The most romantic thing I heard a guy do In a long time? 162 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,127 What? 163 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:18,031 Well, I heard That sally got mad at burt 164 00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,066 Because she heard 165 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,535 He was going to do Another movie with loni. 166 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:24,504 So burt, To make up for it, 167 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:28,542 Had someone paint A portrait of sally. 168 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,877 Thank you very much 169 00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,312 For that enlightenment, Carla. 170 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:36,116 Now, we can knock off with The fan magazine drivel. 171 00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,217 I read yesterday 172 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,187 That burt and sally Are headed for the altar. 173 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:45,025 You know, That's not such a bad idea, Having a portrait done. 174 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,427 I mean, she'd like That kind of thing. 175 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:48,829 Refill, sam. 176 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,097 Yeah, it shows Some thinking. 177 00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:52,165 It's sensitive. It's personal. 178 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,400 The altar? 179 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,968 How can burt do that 180 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:58,572 With the terrible secret He and dinah still share? 181 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:03,310 Hey, whoa. Do you mind here? Carla, come on. 182 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,511 Now, What kind of artist 183 00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,279 Should I get To paint diane? 184 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,915 Better get a bad one. Why? 185 00:09:07,915 --> 00:09:10,250 You don't want it To look like her, do you? 186 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,986 You know, Your wisecracks All the time 187 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,022 Don't make things Any easier. 188 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:17,557 Come on, sam. You know my philosophy. 189 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,860 If you can't Say something nice, 190 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:22,095 Say it about diane. 191 00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:24,998 Come on, help me out here. 192 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,900 W-where do you go To find an artist? 193 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,603 What, do you go to a store Or something? 194 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,271 Store. Come on, sam. 195 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:33,373 We're not talking About tv dinners here. 196 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,875 We're talking About artists. 197 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,476 You got to go To where the artists are, 198 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:39,379 You know, To an artist...Place. 199 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:42,716 What's that terrible secret Burt and dinah share? 200 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,351 I can't tell you. 201 00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:48,121 In a reader's poll, I voted they should Have more privacy. 202 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,026 Hey, listen, Fellas, sam, 203 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,895 Can I put this all In check for a minute? 204 00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:57,631 Now, I happen to be A wonderful artist. 205 00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:01,034 I'd just love to do A picture of diane. 206 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,837 I'd consider it A challenge And I'd welcome it. 207 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,572 You never told me About this talent. 208 00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:07,975 Sure. Here. Let me show you. 209 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:12,245 Norm, just hold it Like that, please. 210 00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,524 Stinks. 211 00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:25,893 Yeah, it does. 212 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,394 Ooh, I just remembered. 213 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,431 It was my brother That had all the Artistic talent. 214 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,200 Yeah, Now I remember. 215 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:37,237 My talent Is eating things That aren't food. 216 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,206 Can we get back to This art thing, please? 217 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,574 Oh, yeah, I deliver mail To an artist. 218 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,144 He's very successful Artist, too. 219 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,079 I'll tell you How successful he is. 220 00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,948 Yesterday he Received a letter, 221 00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:51,484 Had a check in it For $25,853 222 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,153 From a guy Named sweeney. 223 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,255 How do you know What was on the check? 224 00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,957 When I was putting It in the slot, 225 00:10:56,957 --> 00:11:00,227 It happened to Pass in front of A 300-watt bulb. 226 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:03,063 You want me To get on the horn, Get him in here? 227 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:06,033 Yeah, I guess I could Talk to him. You think He'd come down 228 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,600 And bring Some of his pictures? 229 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,336 Sure, I'll Give it a shot. 230 00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,571 I usually hesitate To use the power Vested in me 231 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,907 By the post office And the almighty, 232 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,877 But in this case, I'll make an exception. 233 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,678 Anybody got a dime? 234 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,247 Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. 235 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:23,216 Maybe this whole thing's About to blow over. 236 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,286 Sam? 237 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,687 Yeah? 238 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,358 We've been Very childish In the past. 239 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,993 We have? 240 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:36,296 Yes. Over things like This magazine article. 241 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:38,966 I was just about to call That reporter to check Your story, 242 00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,468 But I didn't. I'm so proud I didn't. 243 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,103 Me, too. 244 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,306 I know We're not perfect, 245 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:50,277 And we're going through A difficult time, but... 246 00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:52,479 I just decided This is the perfect time 247 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,215 To start fresh. 248 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,116 Let's... 249 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,485 Cleanse Our relationship. 250 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,420 From this moment on, 251 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,455 No more pettiness, 252 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,491 No more suspicions, 253 00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:06,193 No more dishonesty. 254 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,230 You really mean this, Don't you? 255 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,432 I really do. 256 00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:18,338 O.K. O.K., diane. 257 00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:21,041 Yeah, I'll start being honest With you right now. 258 00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,275 You know how I told you 259 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,111 How I told that reporter All about you? 260 00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,346 I didn't tell her Anything about you. 261 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,517 I see. 262 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:33,320 But I wish I had. 263 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,522 Thank you for Respecting me enough 264 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:38,191 To tell the truth. 265 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,928 Actually I--I'm Lying again, 266 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,262 Because I'm glad I didn't tell her. 267 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,364 It would've made me Look whipped. 268 00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,432 If you want me 269 00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,234 To get on That telephone And tell her... 270 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,136 I won't. 271 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,038 I was about to say I would, But I won't. 272 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:55,675 The truth is That I like having Millions of women 273 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,510 Looking At my picture 274 00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,047 And dreaming, "I want him." 275 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,983 This is just me Being honest With you here. 276 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,087 That's exactly What I wanted. 277 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:09,056 Well, this is great. This is great. 278 00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,590 Why didn't We do this sooner? 279 00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,259 I don't know. 280 00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,829 You see how if you Start telling the Truth right away-- 281 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:23,070 Sammy, I'll make That phone call, huh? 282 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,107 You kids just carry on With what you're doing There. 283 00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,189 Hey, coach, someone Just put their names 284 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,157 On your picnic Sign-up sheet. 285 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,459 No kidding. How many? 286 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,494 Uh, three. 287 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,629 We got Ziggy stardust, The mad hatter, 288 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,132 And clark kent. 289 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:55,135 Wow, looks like I got Myself an infield. 290 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:58,138 Hey, everybody. 291 00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,907 Norm! Norm! Norm! 292 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,875 How you feeling, Norm? 293 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,610 Naked Without my beer. 294 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:04,878 Walked all the way Over here 295 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,613 Dragging my thirst Behind me. 296 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,249 So how was dinner, Norm? 297 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:12,285 Listen up, everybody. Stay away from That, uh... 298 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,955 Hungry heifer place, That new place Downtown. 299 00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:18,091 Yeah, but they've been Advertising that a lot. No good? 300 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,894 No. It's awful. Served me a terrible Piece of meat, 301 00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:24,231 Tough potatoes. Soggy vegetables. 302 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:25,899 Why didn't you Send it back? 303 00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:28,068 Here's another thing. The service stinks. 304 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,436 By the time The waiter got there 305 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,272 And asked if Everything was o.K., I was through. 306 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,614 Can I help you? 307 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,116 I have come To pander 308 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,052 To the tastes Of the tasteless. 309 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,087 You want to head The food committee. 310 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:51,224 We got our chairman For the food committee! 311 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:55,195 Yeah, I like my buffalo Sunny-side up there, chief. 312 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,430 You referring To my apparel? 313 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,532 Hey, no offense There, little beaver, 314 00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:01,301 But it is a tad... 315 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:04,471 A tad out of the mundane, You know? 316 00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,874 Excuse me, sir, But what is that outfit? 317 00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:10,143 This is an arapaho Ceremonial tunic 318 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:11,478 Worn by the village elders 319 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:15,015 When they hold council In the hunting lodge. 320 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,550 I earned it by letting them Pierce my flesh 321 00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,053 With wild turkey quills. 322 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,024 This is a jc penney Wash 'n' wear, 323 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,258 Tapered tails. 324 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,960 Salesman Was a little nasty, 325 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,629 But I didn't have to Go through anything Like that. 326 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:34,934 I'm looking For sam malone. 327 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:38,371 I was told he was Interested in buying Some of my work. 328 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:41,241 You must be Phillip semenko, huh? 329 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:44,211 I'm cliff clavin, Your mailman. 330 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,579 We finally meet Face-to-face. 331 00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:49,116 I can die now. 332 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:54,121 Yeah, you got A great wit about you. 333 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,955 Thanks for stopping by. 334 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,257 I don't like To be touched. 335 00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,959 Hey, I can grok that. 336 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,095 I don't like to be Touched either. 337 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,230 I bet neither one of you 338 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,565 Has to tell that To a lot of people. 339 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,038 Here's The connoisseur now. 340 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:14,307 Sam! Our artist friend Mr. Semenko is here. 341 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:17,544 Hi. I'm sam malone. 342 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,146 Mr. Smetma-- 343 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:23,016 Uh...Smok--semekama... 344 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,417 That walking fire Hydrant over there 345 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:27,420 Told me you were A man of taste And intelligence. 346 00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,789 I see no evidence Of that. 347 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:33,260 Well, maybe He's exaggerating A little bit. 348 00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,162 See, actually I'm new to this art thing, 349 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,130 But I've heard a lot of Good things about you. 350 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,765 And I think you may be Just the guy 351 00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:41,301 To get me Out of the doghouse With my girlfriend here 352 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,303 By painting A little picture of her. 353 00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,172 I don't care How you do this. 354 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,839 As long as you make it look Exactly like her 355 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,710 And if you can have it here By tomorrow, that would Be great. 356 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:54,347 I've got some snapshots here I took while we up In the mountains. 357 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,184 That's her on the left there. 358 00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,152 These were taken Up in new hampshire. 359 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,322 We got this Little cabin... How about that? 360 00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,891 I'm wearing The funny hat there In that one. 361 00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,194 This one's pretty good. 362 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:09,329 This was shot up In the cabin right there. 363 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,431 You ever Get up that way? 364 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:15,468 I, uh... I guess not. 365 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,271 It is o.K. If you hold these By the edges. 366 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:22,542 Is there A problem here? 367 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,911 Your existence! 368 00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:28,014 I was told I was coming Here to meet a wealthy Art investor 369 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:30,016 Who could Fill my coffers. 370 00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:33,120 No, I'm not Above that...Yet. 371 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,523 Instead I find myself Face-to-face 372 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,225 With a nightmarish Product 373 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:42,229 Of our floundering American educational System. 374 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:47,300 Hey, hey. I don't have To take that...Do I? 375 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,735 Why don't we just Call this whole thing off? 376 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,503 I'm not so crazy About your attitude. 377 00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,405 You, sir, are An ignorant man. 378 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,407 You are all ignorant. 379 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,777 You are all Stuff to fill graves. 380 00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:02,115 Don't forget to tell Your friends about cheers. 381 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,950 Don't feel too bad, Sammy. 382 00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,418 I feel partly to blame. 383 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:07,654 Let's talk, cliff. 384 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,724 Hello, everyone. 385 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,226 I'm back. 386 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,195 Oh, hi, diane. 387 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:18,631 I'm sorry I... Stormed off like that. 388 00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:23,136 I've cooled off. 389 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,071 Coach, carla, everybody. 390 00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:27,374 Let's just continue. 391 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,942 It's important You all know 392 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,412 That I wasn't Really trying To kill sam 393 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,581 When I wrapped The telephone Cord... 394 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,718 May I help you? 395 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:42,155 That's the face I've been looking for. 396 00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,324 Sorry. I'm still using it. 397 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,529 I could let you Visit it on weekends. 398 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,168 Two drafts, coach. 399 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,170 Coming up. 400 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,328 Thanks. 401 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,498 What, what, what? 402 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,099 What do you want From me? 403 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,436 I'm phillip semenko. 404 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:30,937 I want to paint you. 405 00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:36,476 Phillip semenko, The genius? 406 00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,546 That's redundant. 407 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:45,285 I've seen your work, And you're brilliant. 408 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:49,889 And I love this arapaho Ceremonial tunic. 409 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,962 What are you doing here? 410 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,230 Up till now, 411 00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,999 Fondly remembering My bout with jaundice. 412 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,101 But then I saw you. 413 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,304 I want you to be My next subject. 414 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,473 Oh, you're kidding. 415 00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:07,640 Me? 416 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,342 Why? 417 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,847 You have an ancient soul, 418 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,483 And it's suffering, Suffering more now 419 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:18,651 Than it has ever Suffered before. 420 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,520 Suffering? 421 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,188 Yes. 422 00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:25,091 Your spirit Is imprisoned, trapped, 423 00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:27,494 Stretched on a rack. 424 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,464 Your eyes... 425 00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:33,533 Have the look... 426 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:36,369 Of a strangling sparrow. 427 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:42,309 Well, that's in This year. 428 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:44,411 Last year It was bangs. 429 00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:49,416 Hey, tonto, I thought I told you To beat it. 430 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:51,250 Please, something Important is happening. 431 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,286 That's right. You're leaving. The deal's off. 432 00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,355 Now make yourself Scarce. Come on, Beat it. 433 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,424 You have nothing To do with this! 434 00:20:57,424 --> 00:21:00,059 How dare you interrupt The artistic process 435 00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:01,994 At its very start? 436 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,096 That's how I get my kicks. Come on. Move. 437 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,264 Sam, stop. 438 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,168 This is phillip semenko, The genius. 439 00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,404 He wants to paint me. 440 00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:13,573 I've never been so excited In my life. 441 00:21:13,573 --> 00:21:16,175 You heard of this Clown before? 442 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,577 Yes, of course. 443 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:20,212 He's one of The most promising Young artists 444 00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:21,581 In the country. 445 00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:23,015 Someday He could be great. 446 00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:25,452 Come on, diane. If he was a great artist, 447 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:29,221 What's he doing Alive, huh? 448 00:21:29,221 --> 00:21:32,392 Sam, for goodness Sake, will you stop? 449 00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:34,494 This is a chance In a lifetime. 450 00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:38,064 Can't you see How fascinated He is by me? 451 00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:41,801 I'll start our Sessions tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Maybe now. 452 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:44,971 Whoa, wait a minute here. Don't you see What's going on? 453 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,339 He's gonna invite you over To his place, 454 00:21:46,339 --> 00:21:48,575 Ask you to get All nuded up. 455 00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:51,511 Hey, that happens To be my territory, fella. 456 00:21:51,511 --> 00:21:55,482 Sam, don't be silly. 457 00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:57,283 Now, of course he Wouldn't want me nude. 458 00:21:57,283 --> 00:21:59,486 But even if he did, I'd do it. 459 00:21:59,486 --> 00:22:01,053 The man is brilliant. 460 00:22:01,053 --> 00:22:04,023 You don't want me In the nude, do you? 461 00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:06,393 God knows, I'm open-minded About that sort of thing. 462 00:22:06,393 --> 00:22:07,594 It's just This time of year, 463 00:22:07,594 --> 00:22:10,563 There's so many Colds around. 464 00:22:10,563 --> 00:22:14,066 I paint the soul, Not the body. 465 00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,068 To me, Every soul is naked. 466 00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:17,604 The weirdo walks. 467 00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:21,974 Sam, you Can't do this. 468 00:22:21,974 --> 00:22:23,543 I want him To paint me. 469 00:22:23,543 --> 00:22:26,212 I can't let An opportunity Like this pass. 470 00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:29,348 Honey, I don't like him. 471 00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,783 You do anything with him, Do anything, 472 00:22:30,783 --> 00:22:33,620 Go anywhere, Share a bus with him, 473 00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:35,522 And we're through. 474 00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:37,557 I have spoken. 475 00:22:40,292 --> 00:22:42,395 Fine. 476 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:43,596 What? 477 00:22:43,596 --> 00:22:46,332 I said fine. Whatever you want. 478 00:22:46,332 --> 00:22:48,234 I see how strongly You feel about it. 479 00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:49,869 So, fine. 480 00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,538 Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, 481 00:22:51,538 --> 00:22:53,840 I got something else I want to tell you. 482 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,142 As soon as I think Of it, I will. 483 00:22:56,142 --> 00:22:58,210 Here, here. 484 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:00,079 He said that well. 485 00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:08,220 I can only imagine The hell you've endured. 486 00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:11,057 It hasn't Been easy. 487 00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,258 Well... 488 00:23:12,258 --> 00:23:13,693 Goodbye. 489 00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:17,897 Wait. 490 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,232 I really want you To paint me. 491 00:23:20,232 --> 00:23:23,436 What about that Malignant growth You call a boyfriend? 492 00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:28,508 Oh, just give him Some time to cool down. 493 00:23:28,508 --> 00:23:30,042 Once he sees The finished work, 494 00:23:30,042 --> 00:23:32,244 He'll forgive me. He'll forgive you. 495 00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,613 He'll forgive Everything. 496 00:23:33,613 --> 00:23:35,582 He'll hate it. 497 00:23:35,582 --> 00:23:37,416 He'll hate you For doing it. 498 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,085 If you pose for me, 499 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:42,021 It will drive a permanent Wedge between you and that man. 500 00:23:43,523 --> 00:23:46,292 So you won't do it? 501 00:23:46,292 --> 00:23:48,094 I'll do it for free. 502 00:23:50,029 --> 00:23:51,964 Let's go. 503 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:56,302 Hey, listen up, everybody. 504 00:23:56,302 --> 00:23:59,271 I'm sorry about coming on So strong like that. 505 00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:01,508 I know you think It's pretty unprofessional, 506 00:24:01,508 --> 00:24:03,776 But roughhouse Is the only language 507 00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,444 Some people understand. 508 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,580 If I have to, I know how to speak it. 509 00:24:07,580 --> 00:24:09,015 Ok, Thanks for your attention. 510 00:24:09,015 --> 00:24:12,118 Just go back And have some fun there. 511 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:14,587 Where's diane?